In Christ Alone

Over two hundred applications and twelve interviews later, I am definitely feeling it. It beats steady and consistent and is not just reserved for the search for employment. It’s there in being denied for volunteer opportunities, being turned away from missions agencies, and, subtly, in the fellowship activities that center on hiking and rock climbing and other things which I simply cannot do.

And I am feeling it.

Rejection. 

But more than that-I feel utterly useless, unwanted.

And I feel dumb. 

The lack of eloquence in such a statement does not escape me, but it is the only adequate way of expressing how I feel: dumb. Dumb because haven’t we been here before, God and I? Didn’t He push me past finding my worth in external things that don’t really matter through the grittiness of not being able to perform even the most basic of functions-bathing, dressing, feeding myself, going to the restroom on my own? Did He not whisper truth to my heart grappling to stay afloat when well-intentioned but entirely ignorant questions assailed me from outsiders: when will you work again? Don’t you want to be healed?

 

He persistently pursued me in that time, challenged everything I claimed to be true but still refused to give up in my heart: my identity lies not in these things the world holds in high esteem: career, education, ability. No, my identity lies in the unchanging and overcoming blood of Christ. It is not in anything I do or do not do, but only in what He already did.

And I know this. This is a hard won truth I’ve clung to in the last few years. So why is it so easy for my heart to revert back to such deception? How can I so quickly lose sight of what was battle won?

It happens so easily because I too readily forget it is a battle.

I know how this battle ends: a King reigning victorious and my prophetic name finally fulfilled in Him. While I know how it ends, I must remember-we must remember- that this battle doesn’t end until He returns or calls me home.

The truth of who I am in Christ is established once and for all at the cross, but it is up to me to daily fight to claim this. It is up to me to claw my way to the cross if I have to and to rest there in His grace. It is up to me to make the audacious choice each and every day-each and every moment at times-to trust in His promises, to be established in what He has done alone. 

I must survey that wondrous cross, must surrender any conception of who I am or what my worth should look like.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.