This Firstborn is Not Dead

While it has been quite some time since I have last posted, I am in fact not dead. It’s been eight months since I’ve written and in that time a lot has changed and yet a lot has remained the same.

 A major change is that I have a diagnosis! My neurologist has diagnosed me with a movement disorder called dystonia. Depending on how you see things, I am lucky because my symptoms present much more as pain and less as contractures and abnormal postures. How the dystonia has presented, as well as the results of many of my tests, has still left my doctors relatively baffled and so my next step is a university research hospital to see if they have any new insights for me.

After a very rough month of pain at the beginning of the year, I have been feeling the best I’ve felt since I got sick. The Lord has begun healing in my leg and knee, considerably improving my gait and significantly reducing the pain I once had. Because of this, I am regaining a lot of what I lost a year and a half ago, in terms of mobility and normalcy.

Even so, each day is still a struggle. The pain is still very present, even if less so. Sometimes the returning function is more frustrating than being bed-bound because it leaves me impatient for more gains in this area that have yet to be made. The uncertainty of each new day is still very real, as well, as there still seems to be no explanation as to why one day is better or worse than the next.

The one thing that has not changed even a little bit, though, is the goodness of God. I have felt His presence and seen His hand in every detail, moment, tear, and praise that has made up this season and it has been so very good. He has done such a work in me that at times I feel like a completely different person than I was a year and a half ago, or even six months ago. There certainly is not anything quite as sweetly refining as the school of suffering and my heart erupts in praise as I look back on all that He has done for me and in me (and hopefully through me) in this time.

But why eight months of no writing? Mostly I think it has to do with the difficulty of sharing the intensity of this journey when I am in the thick of it. As incredible as this season has been, it has also been very hard and no area of my life has been untouched by it. As a writer, I like a tidy ending. Maybe not always a happy one, but at least a conclusion that makes sense of things. This has seemed nearly impossible at times this past year and a half. While God has molded me through that, it is probably a big reason why I have hesitated to write.

However, there have been many things I have wanted to share throughout this journey of how God has moved and what He has taught me. And so, I have decided to do my own version of “Throwback Thursday” and go through some of my journal entries or reminisce on past events every Thursday. Because I’ll be looking at them retrospectively, most of these entries will likely have tidy endings, but there will probably be many that don’t. And you know what? That’s okay.

Meanwhile, I’ll try to stay current on the things that God is doing in my life and teaching me presently. This journey to Hopeful Valley is not always an easy one and is seldom one I expect, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Hopeful Valley is where the fullness of my Savior is and nothing is ever going to keep me from pressing ever onward toward that destination.